The Art of Saying No: Building Strength not Walls

Chögyam Trungpa's calligraphy "NO" - a transmission on the discipline of saying NO in a way that liberates rather than constricts. Created January 8, 1979, as a teaching tool for his students on distinguishing between clarity-rooted boundaries and ego-protective defense.

On January 8, 1979, at the Kalapa Court in Boulder, Tibetan Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa did something unexpected. He observed his students indulging in what had become comfortable, self-justifying narratives, and what he called "special realities", in other words, the stories we tell ourselves about who we are that excuse us from facing what's actually happening. "I'm just this kind of person." "My path is different." "I've been through enough - I need this."

These "special realities" create a protective bubble where we don't have to confront our own patterns or self-imposed limitations. Instead of confronting what actually needed to change, Trungpa's students had fallen into relying on small fixes and old, familiar patterns, and were too comfortable in their habitual self-deception.

His response was direct. He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs "NO!", startling his students and jolting them out of their comfortable complacency. He even went so far as to create a meditation scroll with that single word in bold brushstrokes (see the image above).

He instructed his students to put it on their meditation altars as a daily reminder of what he considered some of the most important work a person can do.

The teachings he gave them distinguished between what he called the Big No and the Little No No. (We'll call it "the Little No" from here on for simplicity.)

The scroll included this text: "If you know 'Not' and have discipline, patience will arise along with exertion. Then the ultimate 'No' is attained, and you are victorious over the maras of the setting sun."

And from his poem "How to Know No": "There was a giant No. That No rained. That No created a tremendous blizzard... That No was the greatest No of No's in the universe... Let us celebrate having that monumental No..."

Ok yes, the poetry is abstract and mystical, but stay with me. There's something super practical here that's worth unpacking.

Understanding the Two Kinds of No

The Big No is a radical, clarifying, non-reactive refusal of self-deception and the patterns that keep you stuck. It's an attitude of discipline: refusing to collude with the fantasies that create comfortable illusions about who you are and what you're capable of. It's liberating, sweeping, and oriented toward clarity and growth.

The Little No is the everyday refusals, defensive reactions, and habitual resistances that protect ego comfort. Blocking feedback. Avoiding discomfort. Clinging to familiar identity. The Little No is usually small, repetitive, and obstructive rather than liberating.

In secular psychological terms: The Big No is a conscious, values-aligned refusal to participate in your own limitations. The Little No is avoidance disguised as boundary-setting.

And from a holistic mental health perspective, this distinction matters because issues with boundaries with others are ultimately expressions of not having healthy boundaries with ourselves. When you can't say no to your own self-limiting patterns and beliefs, you either can't say no to others (people-pleasing) or you say no to everything (defensive isolation).

"The Big No is liberating. The Little No is limiting. One expands your capacity. The other shrinks your world."

The Big No: Saying No to Your Own Patterns

The Big No is about refusing to continue participating in patterns that don't serve you. It's saying no to the internal narratives that keep you small, stuck, or scared.

What this looks like in practice:

• Saying no to the self-criticism loop when it starts. Noticing the thought, labeling it ("that's the shame voice"), and choosing not to follow it.

• Refusing to scroll social media until 2 a.m. when you know it disrupts your sleep and clarity. Setting a wind-down routine at 9 p.m. instead.

• Declining the habitual safe choice that keeps you comfortable but stagnant. Choosing one small growth-oriented action instead.

• Saying no to impulsive decisions driven by anxiety. Waiting 48 hours, sitting with the discomfort, then choosing from a clearer place.

The Big No is discipline that creates freedom. It's refusing the immediate relief of avoidance in favour of long-term capacity.

Where People Fail at the Big No

The most common failure with the Big No is mistaking avoidance for self-care. This happens when people refuse to say no to their own neurotic patterns but frame it as being kind to themselves.

Examples:

• Someone says "I'm taking a self-care night" but spends five hours doom-scrolling, avoiding meaningful rest or reflection. They call it self-care, but it's actually avoidance that leaves them more depleted.

• A person refuses to challenge themselves professionally, saying "I'm honoring my boundaries," while actually avoiding the anxiety of growth. They stagnate and call it wellness.

• Someone buys expensive retreats and self-improvement programs but uses them as distraction rather than transformation. The core pattern (perfectionism, approval-seeking, fear) remains unchanged.

• Somebody else spends money on clothes, movies, or anything else that they can say brings "comfort" but is really just providing a distraction from what they're not working to change in their lives.

These are also examples of the feel bad and distract cycle in action—using temporary relief to avoid addressing what actually needs attention.

The difference between genuine self-care and avoidance disguised as self-care:

• Genuine self-care builds long-term capacity, aligns with your values, and invites growth. You feel more able to live into what you want.

• Avoidance disguised as self-care feels good temporarily but leaves you stuck, disconnected from values, and more fragile over time.

One way to tell: After you "care for yourself," how do you feel in a week? More capable and aligned, or just temporarily relieved and then either just as stuck or maybe even more stuck after?

The Little No: When Boundaries Become Walls

The Little No is the defensive, reactive use of "no" that shrinks your world rather than protecting your capacity.

What this looks like:

• Cutting people off quickly at the first sign of conflict or discomfort, calling it "boundaries."

• Refusing feedback by labeling it "toxic" without examining whether it might be useful.

• Blocking, ghosting, or ending relationships abruptly rather than attempting repair or honest conversation.

• Using "I'm a boundary person" as an identity that justifies rigidity and avoidance of relational complexity.

• Saying no to new experiences, new ways of thinking, or vulnerability because they feel uncomfortable.

We're not talking about character flaws. This is about missing skills.

When someone quickly severs relationships and calls it mental health, what's usually happening is this: they have low tolerance for relational discomfort, limited conflict resolution skills, and fear of being hurt or dependent. The quick cut-off is easier than staying present, tolerating vulnerability, and engaging in repair.

The skills often missing:

• Emotional regulation. The ability to stay grounded when uncomfortable feelings arise.

• Conflict resolution. Knowing how to address issues directly without either avoiding or escalating.

• Relational repair. Understanding that ruptures are normal and can strengthen connection when addressed.

• Vulnerability tolerance. Being able to show up authentically even when it's uncomfortable.

The cost of the Little No:

Isolation. Shallow relationships. Underdeveloped relational capacity. A world that keeps shrinking because more and more things get labeled as threats to avoid.

Brittleness rather than strength. Rigid boundaries don't make you resilient. They make you fragile because you can't tolerate complexity, nuance, or the inevitable messiness of real connection.

"Walls feel like protection, but they create isolation. Boundaries feel like choice, and they create connection."

The Healthy No: What It Actually Looks Like

So if the Little No shrinks your world and the Big No expands it, what does a healthy boundary actually look like in practice?

Healthy boundaries - both with others and yourself - come from the Big No. They're rooted in clarity, values, and the discipline to refuse what doesn't serve growth.

With others, a healthy no sounds like:

"I can't meet next week. I'm preserving time for a project I committed to."

"I won't continue this conversation while voices are raised. Let's pause and return when we can speak calmly."

"I've decided not to take on new clients this month. My capacity is full."

With yourself, a healthy no sounds like:

Refusing to binge social media late at night. Setting a wind-down routine at 9 p.m. instead.

Saying no to the self-criticism story. Noticing it, labeling it, returning to neutral observation.

Declining the habitual safe choice. Scheduling one small growth-oriented action even if it's uncomfortable.

Saying no to avoiding the development of a nourishing spiritual practice.

These are specific, proportional, and value-aligned. They protect capacity, not just comfort. They create space for what matters rather than just avoiding what's hard. They're flexible—open to renegotiation when circumstances change.

How to Tell the Difference

A healthy boundary is specific and clear. You can articulate it simply: "When you do X, I feel Y, so I need Z." It protects your capacity or values, not just your comfort. There's room for dialogue, renegotiation, and repair if circumstances change. When you set a healthy boundary, you feel calm and grounded, not reactive or defensive. And most importantly, the boundary aligns with your stated values rather than contradicting them.

A defensive wall looks and feels different. The language is general and absolute: "You always..." "I never..." "We're done." It's motivated by fear, shame, or avoidance of discomfort rather than clarity about what you need. It's rigid, with no room for discussion or repair. And here's the telltale sign: you feel relieved immediately after setting it, but then guilt, loneliness, or rumination follows. The underlying story driving a defensive wall is usually some version of "If I don't protect myself this way, I'll be destroyed."

The real-time question: "Am I protecting something important, or am I avoiding a difficult but potentially growth-oriented conversation?"

If you're avoiding, you're likely building a wall, not a boundary.

When You Can't Say No at All

Some people struggle with the opposite problem: they can't say no. To others or to themselves.

To others: Chronic people-pleasing. Saying yes when you mean no. Overextending to avoid disappointing people. Absorbing others' emotions and needs at the expense of your own capacity.

To yourself: Allowing your own impulses, habits, and patterns to run unchecked. No discipline. No structure. Following every feeling as if feelings are commands rather than information.

Here's the insight: Both of these stem from the same root issue. Not having healthy internal boundaries with yourself.

When you can't say no to your own patterns—impulses, avoidance, self-criticism, reactivity—you also struggle to say no to others. You don't trust your own capacity to hold a boundary, so you either avoid all boundaries (people-pleasing) or make them rigid and absolute (defensive walls).

The work is the same: developing the Big No. Learning to refuse the patterns that limit you so you can engage with life and relationships from clarity rather than fear.

Practical Application: How to Know Which No You're Using

In the moment, ask yourself:

• "Am I protecting something important, or avoiding discomfort?"

• "Is this refusal proportional to the situation, or is it an overreaction?"

• "Do I feel grounded and clear, or emotionally charged and defensive?"

• "Is there openness to dialogue, or is this final and rigid?"

• "What outcome am I creating? Does this move me toward my values, or away from growth?"

A Simple Practice (Adapted from Trungpa's Teaching)

1. Notice the pattern or impulse arising. (The story, the urge, the habitual reaction.)

2. Take a breath. Anchor attention in your body.

3. Internally say one word: "No." Feel the boundary in your body.

4. Wait 10 seconds. Observe sensations and thoughts without following them.

5. Choose one small, value-aligned action.

   
   

This is the Big No in practice. Not aggressive refusal. Not defensive avoidance. Clear, grounded discipline that creates space for choice.

When Saying No Opens Your World

The paradox of healthy boundaries is this: the more skillfully you can say no, the more you can genuinely say yes.

When you're not defending against everything, you have capacity for real connection. When you're not saying yes to please everyone, your yes actually means something. When you refuse to participate in your own limitations, you discover what you're actually capable of.

Our clients who learn to use the Big No describe it as space and flexibility returning:

"I don't feel like I'm always bracing."

"I can be in difficult conversations without shutting down or cutting people off."

"I have energy for things that matter instead of constantly managing threats."

What becomes possible then?

Deeper relationships, because you're not relating from fear.

Creative risks, because you're not protecting a rigid self-image.

Growth, because you're willing to be uncomfortable in service of something larger.

The Blizzard That Clears the Air

Remember Trungpa's poem from the beginning? "There was a giant No. That No rained. That No created a tremendous blizzard."

The blizzard isn't destruction. It's clarity. It's the NO that finally clears away all the stuff you've been hiding behind.

Understanding the difference between the Big No and the Little No is one thing. Actually developing the capacity to use it is another. And that capacity comes from being comfortable in your own inner world - with your own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body.

The patterns that drive the Little No - the defensive walls, the avoidance disguised as self-care, the inability to tolerate discomfort - these weren't created consciously. They formed when you were young, when you didn't have the resources to handle what was happening around you.

This is where deeper work becomes relevant. Healing doesn't mean erasing the past. It means updating your subconscious mind and nervous system's understanding of what's actually safe now. Building the internal resources you didn't have then: emotional regulation, the ability to stay present with discomfort, trust in your own capacity to handle complexity.

When you do this work, something shifts. You become a well-resourced person who feels comfortable, excited, and spacious rather than defensive, contracted, and brittle. You're more at home in your inner world, so you're more at home in the outer world.

Work becomes a place where you can take risks and grow. Friendships deepen because you're not constantly managing threat. Relationships become spaces where you can be seen and still feel safe. Community becomes possible because you have the capacity to show up, be imperfect, repair when needed, and stay connected.

This is the ultimate No: refusing the small, defended life in favor of the expansive, connected, fully engaged one.

The Big No - that tremendous blizzard - clears away the comfortable illusions and protective stories. What remains is clarity. Space. The capacity to engage fully with your life.

That's the journey. Not just learning better boundaries, but becoming someone who has the internal resources to set them skillfully, hold them flexibly, and drop them when they're no longer needed. Someone who can say no to limitation and yes to growth. Someone who can weather the blizzard and discover what was there all along.

The Big No is a radical refusal to participate in your own self-limiting patterns. It's learning the skills you need to have a kind of discipline that expands capacity and freedom.

The Little No is defensive avoidance that shrinks your world. Learning the difference - and developing the internal resources to practice the Big No - transforms not just your boundaries but your entire relationship to yourself, others, and what's possible in your life.

So here's the real question: What are you ready to say no to? What patterns or stories or comfortable defenses are you finally ready to let go of? What changes are you ready to make?

If you're not sure yet, that's okay. Browse the other articles here - they might help clarify what's calling for your attention. And when you're ready to have a real conversation about your healing, we offer a free 15-minute clarity call or a more in-depth consultation. Let's talk about what you're working with and what's possible from here.

You can book a consultation call here.